I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
