last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
