My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I could make wine with my vomit
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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