I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
