But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
