I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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