you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
