I think I won the penis lottery.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
