Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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