You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
