he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
