I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
