worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
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I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
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I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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