none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
