Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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