I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
