his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I forget how to act sober
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
