mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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