paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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