things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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