it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
