His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
