closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
