So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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