Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
