I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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