Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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