I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
