We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
