Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
