just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
