You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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