so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
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Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
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Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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