My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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