and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
