So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
