I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
