I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
