in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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