So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.