The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
