I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam