P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
These 23 Groupies Had The Most Insane Sexual Experiences With Celebs
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
35 Of The Funniest Things People Said While Banging
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts