My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
