She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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