I could make wine with my vomit
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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