she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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