I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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