Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
