apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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