Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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