When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
