Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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