No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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