My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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