I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
