I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
